one month

I wish I could tell you every day is getting better and that I’m on my way back to feeling normal again – that the pain has lessened and that my family is healing. The truth is, it really just depends on the day and the moment.

The first couple weeks after my dad passed away were busy and blurry and it didn’t feel like real life. Then the next couple weeks real life creeped in and I didn’t like it because work and all those things I normally did don’t feel quite normal.

I am forgetful and cluttered. I get distracted easily and have a hard time staying on task. The first week I went back to work, I came home each day and stayed up every night because I felt overwhelmed and needed to work on things but couldn’t seem too. So, even though I was awake, I’d get lost in my thoughts, fall asleep on the couch, then start over on another disorganized day a few hours later.

The second week I went back to work, I wanted to sleep all the time. I could make it through eight hours at the office, then I’d come home to fall apart and make it go away by going to sleep for hours.

The last few days have been more positive, but I don’t know how long that will last. I’m hopeful, but I also know after one month, there’s no way I could have already felt everything I’m going to feel. I don’t even know if the emotions have scratched the surface of the pain. Maybe they have, maybe they haven’t. I just don’t know.

My friends have been kind. We don’t talk about it much, and they keep planning things with me so I have things to look forward to.

I talk to my mom every day now, and my sister-in-law text back and forth when we’re feeling worthless. Travis listens to every word in my brain and has been so supportive of just allowing me to feel and take it all one day at a time.

There are a few things that sooth my soul. One of them is the following song which I listen to every day now. It’s so beautiful, and the lyrics “It is Well” are comforting, even if I don’t feel like everything is well.

I also like finding good quotes and song lyrics that remind me of my dad or beauty in the world like this one:

Red River Valley
By Marty Robbins

From this valley they say you are leaving
We shall miss your bright eyes and sweet smile
For you take with you all of the sunshine
That has brightened our pathway a while

Then come sit by my side if you love me
Do not hasten to bid me adieu
Just remember the Red River Valley
And the cowboy that’s loved you so true

For a long time, my darlin’, I’ve waited
For the sweet words you never would say
Now at last all my fond hopes have vanished
For they say that you’re going away

Then come sit by my side if you love me
Do not hasten to bid me adieu
Just remember the Red River Valley
And the cowboy that’s loved you so true

 

 

And that’s all I’ve got right now. Goodnight, world.

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